Jesus Has A Bad Day

Cursing the fig tree? Throwing a tantrum in temple? Go have a lie-down, okay?

Dear Jesus,

I know it’s hard being perfect and all, but sometimes you just need a nap.

I know you mean well. When you’re on, you’re on.

The Sermon on the Mount thing was wow. Just wow. All the stuff about being loving to everyone, even those people who don’t vote like we do?

That’s classic you — timely and spot on!

But sometimes you’re off-message, cranky, or downright dickish

Here’s an example.

12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry.

13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.

14 Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it. — Mark 11:12–14

Jesus, it says right there. “It was not the season for figs.”

So why were you such a dick about it?

The figlessness of the tree was not its fault

Okay, this morning I — before coffee I might add — threw the bamboo cutting board across the kitchen. Why? Because it kept falling from the draining board into the sink.

Yes, it was me who put the draining board there in the first place. Yes, I knew it would break. Yes, I knew I was being childish and stupid.

But no one’s writing a gospel about me. And if they do, I hope they’ll leave that part out.

A quick critique to the writer of Mark

I’d love it if Mark had ended the cursing-the-fig-tree story with a happy ending.

“And Jesus was sorry for cursing the fig tree. And He went and blessed the fig tree, and apologized for being such a dolt. And the disciples heard him say it.”

But if that happened, then I take it all back. But, check it out — it’s not in the text.

The next thing we hear about is you entering the temple and busting up the place

15 On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves,

16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts.

17 And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’ But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’ — Mark 11:15–17

Okay.

We can say this was an example of righteous indignation, but seriously.

Wasn’t it just low blood sugar?

Next time you feel like that, have a power bar. Go sit down in the shade for a while. Do some breathing exercises.

I’ve got this ginseng-sage smoothie that will set you right up.

And sure, money-changers in the temple were probably a Kenneth Copeland-sized pain in the rear, but what about those dove sellers? They were just making a living.

People felt they needed something to sacrifice. Look under “best practices.”

Want God’s attention? Hand him a bloodied dove.

Not particularly vegan, but hey.

I’m glad we were able to have this little talk, Jesus. Just reminding you who you are, Man.

We all have these little breakdowns. Don’t take it too hard, okay? Tomorrow’s another day, and the messiah market is BULLISH. All signs show it’ll be nothing but up from here!

Tough love, Jesus.

It means I care.

First published as "Jesus Has Another Bad Day" on Medium.